A Mess of Gorgeous Chaos…

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A Mess of Gorgeous Chaos…

Sadness came to visit and have lingered. Soon, I know she will be but a distant memory. I am a mess of gorgeous chaos. You see it in my eyes, in my soul.

There’s been so much anguish. I’ve watched people in my life go through things that should have shattered them, only to come out as a better and much stronger person in the end. I’ve watched them struggle to find peace, conviction and eventually finding it. That’s why I still have my faith.

I’ve watched plenty of relationships fall apart, I’ve seen hearts break and tears shed, and I’ve also seen people change because they lost the reason to rely on the person they cared about. But amidst all of that pain and loss, I’ve seen the love between two people remain stronger than any bond in the world, even through all of the storms that were thrown their way. That’s why I still believe in love.

I’ve seen horrible and terrifying things happen to people. I’ve seen death come in and wreck worlds, leaving behind an ocean of tears and a puddle of broken dreams. Loved ones left behind struggling to go on with their lives.

I’ve seen sociopath look into the eyes of people they profess to love; manipulate and wreck their lives; all while they wore the look of innocence on their face. But amidst all of this, I’ve witnessed lives being rebuilt by the hands of angels dressed in the clothes of everyday people, the ones we pass on the street without a second glance. That’s why I still believe in this world.

Life isn’t about the heartbreaks and the moments of giving into fear. It isn’t about counting the number of scars and remembering them time and time again. Instead, it is about finding the moments when you wouldn’t mind if you were frozen in it forever. It is about moments of joy when you forget about all of the tears you’ve shed and all the pieces of your heart that were lost somewhere in the past. It is about the kisses that stop time and cause your heart to skip a beat. It is about waking up to the love of your life each morning and feeling like you are seeing them for the first time. It is about living in the present, not in the past or the future.

It is true that many people loose their shine when they grow older. Most people have learned to not live in the here and now. It’s either the past or the future. I think what we all want is – we want to feel alive. We want to feel like part of something bigger than ourselves. We want to care about something or someone that excites us, intrigues us, and challenges us to reach deep down and be the people we know we can be. There is no journey like the ones we choose, literally step by step, outside our doors, out of our heads, and guided by our hearts. I don’t know yet what’s in store for me, beyond the world of written words.

We may not have an exact plan; except for now, to start that journey together – to wade into a world of discovery prepared for all the excitement and uncertainty that comes with doing and growing; and loving – supporting hopes, supporting dreams.

 

We are all MH370

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We are all MH370

Today and the next days, we will mourn with the families of MH370.

Nothing can match their grief, but nevertheless we share them. May there be days of kindness, gentleness and compassion, for only love can heal the terrible wounds in our hearts. Our prayers to those departed and the families, loved ones they leave behind. May God rest their souls and may our hearts be blessed with strength, and a merciful balm to get through this pain and tragedy.

We are all MH370.

The Story of Love…

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In the words of Leonard Cohen, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”

I am not sure
as to how my story will end.
But that’s all right.
When you set out on a journey
and darkness covers the road,
that’s when you discover the stars…

Connecting Dots…

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Connecting Dots...

The dots are beginning to connect. An email, a conversation – trying to navigate a cathartic chat, to say the least to feel at least a smidgen better than when I started the conversation.

Before the “me-today”, I was just soaking in the moment and not overthinking too much. Simply enjoying my work and having a blast around people who make me feel great at the end of our conversations. I was living in the moment. Then….Wham!

And now this! How do I let go, and trust again and surrender? I don’t know the answer right now; I just need to ask the question. If there’s one thing I have learned about this process, it does have its own rhyme and reason.

Written out the process looks like this:-
1. I feel like crap
2. I know there’s tears on the way
3. I get on the mat. Have a salt bath. Take some time.
4. Cry and cry and cry and cry.
5. I note insights arising. Note events and people and memories from the past.
6. I write it all in my mind
7. I sit in the unknown
8. I take more time out. Meditate, write
9. I sleep
10. I wake up feeling less heavy
11. I feel more clarity…I feel the release
12. Ahhhhhhhh…..

There’s nothing wrong with feeling “emo”. They’re just feedback mechanisms in my body, in my mind. I’m always whole, even if sometimes it doesn’t feel that way! And the inability or limitation of others to love or appreciate me whole; doesn’t change this.

I realise that at some point as I allow myself to drop below trying to fix my emotion and my spirit, I’m actually perfect just as I am. If my partner is someone who makes me feel like I’m not an important aspect and if I leave our conversations more stressed than when I entered, the union may be not worthy of me.

Suddenly, there’s nothing else to do…

Suddenly, there’s nowhere else to go…

I’ve arrived…

Suddenly!

…………………………………………

The Rain & Moon…

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The Rain & Moon...

wind blown rain
smeared like marmalade
down my window pane
droplets cold as tears
on my crushed, surrendering heart
thoughts of our dream
black and white
and not shapes
dancing, wandering, chanting

i write silent songs
of never ending possibilities
of where to go
of what, when and how
of what to make
with my words and my heart
where to put it all
the emptiness of the sky
that lacks the moon

i weave and braid
into whispers of a lover’s promise
through phases of the moon
meandering, musing
undulating with each turn
dancing hues
infinite in you and in me
and in all that simply
is…

Come back MH370…

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Two days after flight MH370 went missing, many resigned themselves to the thought that yes, it nosedived into the ocean, and the passengers and crew are very likely all dead. But I chose to hold on to faith. Faith and hope for nothing short of a miracle. Then, reports came out that it was still flying hours after it supposedly went down. So I began to have hope again.

Over the past week, the media has produced a large amount of reportage and analysis about the flight disappearance, and with it, no small bit of imaginative speculation. Reports evolving from information gathering to speculative analysis, to imaginative theorising, to simply running disaster porn, grief bonanza.

I think many of us have become so invested in MH370 because we all fly, and it could have happened to any one of us, to our family, to our loved ones. And until we find out what really happened, we will not have peace of mind.

Between the conspiracy theories and government officials issuing yoyo-ing statements, it’s all getting so sensationalised, what we really need is closure. Closure, and no more jaw dropping stories about shamans with crocodile-slap fetishes or theories about a possible UFO collision.

After a week of hyperventilating, wall-to-wall coverage, it remains no less lost to us – a flight and my home country that is no better understood.

MH370 we pray for your safe return, wherever you are.

New beginnings…

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New beginnings...

Before we know it, January is gone, and in enters the Chinese Lunar Year of the Horse. We’ve all heard the statistics about how few resolutions make it out of January alive. Still, the new Chinese lunar year remains an excellent opportunity to embrace the new year as a fresh opportunity to consider more consciously the choices we are making. Making even a few different choices today can radically alter life in just a few short months, so instead of resolutions, I’ve decide this week which choices might improve my tomorrows.

It is true of what they say that the doors we open and close each day decides our tomorrows or the lives we live. I began this new lunar year closing one door, and opening another with purpose and freedom…galloping into new beginnings and possibilities.

A new dawn…

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A new dawn...

A new dawn
is exciting
an empty canvas
begging to be drawn
and for the very first time
to be painted on.

A new dawn
is rousing and inviting
with the promise of adventure
an empty slate
to be written on, and
discoveries to claim as your own.

 

 

 

It’s just us…

Here I sit in the dark, with the moonlight barely penetrating the gloom of the room. The light of my mac is the only glow within, giving me the look of one haunted. Maybe I am.

Haunted by desires unfulfilled, and memories. Yearning that things could have remained as they were and still hoping that the harshness of reality will take another step back and leave me in peace. In relative peace.
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For escapism can no longer be a lasting release. Once that barrier of denial was broken it meant that I have been forever forced to be in a state of duality… aware of more than I have been before, and making conscious choices because it has been the only way to be.

Strains of an Al Jarreau tune filtering through my consciousness as I type, and it makes me sad. It reminds me of the lies we tell ourselves to get through some days, in vain, hoping to emerge unscathed… only to sometimes fail.

A choice is looming on the horizon. A question mark hangs in the air. An answer, the only obvious answer, is slamming against my consciousness, reminding me of its presence. Annoying and unrelenting.

I am no longer clear about my reasons for resisting its presence. But my mind is weak with exhaustion, overburdened by a fully charged week – the incredible high of being on the go now dragged into balance by a melancholy brought on by the weekend ‘triggers’ that I have come to expect, which I no longer have the strength to attempt to influence change.

Truly, it is out of my control… yet somewhere along the way, ‘acceptance of the things I can’t change’ has come to equate ‘things that I can.’ When did I form that belief?

But it’s okay. I am okay, and everything will be fine. Tomorrow is another day and once sleep claims me, my troubles will fade away again like dew on a tropical morning. The sun rising with renewed vigour, as will I.

Until then though, it’s just us….and Jarreau. 

Stealth…

Like a thief in the night
She stays outta sight
She’s a creeper with thorns

And she knows what goes on
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My blog, she reads weekly
And she thinks so weakly
All the things I have said
All the things she has read

But tell me, is the attraction
Really just in the section
With the secrets to satisfaction?
Does it drive you to distraction?

Maybe now you’ll consent
To finally leave a comment
On my blog so I can see
What you think of my poetry!

Accomplice

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Accomplice

i’ll try to get this right
to find the words that don’t sound trite
for this ode
to a star so bright
who taught me patience
where I have failed
walked me down bumpy trails
and fixed my wheels
when they derailed.

nothing match time
and the hand of fate
that has brought you to my gate
with perseverance we will make
the tide of many doubts recede
love forever locked in these eyes
seduce me to proceed
to make up time so quickly lost
with unrelenting speed.

Hideaway…

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Hideaway...

once a caffeine spot
for mornings I know well
to smell the waves
to surrender my cares
in solitude
where robins perch
and squirrels come down to flirt

cheeks caress in soft breeze
blowing gently in my mind
the distant murmur of waves
tranquility seeping in
caught between thoughts
like pressed flowers in a book
captured in just one sigh

Nuances….

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Whispers....

i connect with you
in hues of blue
sky, ocean
across the miles
i will meet you here
if only you open your eyes
and see the threads
that link us
and the bold splashes
of pink and orange
listen to what
it’s telling you
among the sounds
imbue with hues of salmon
you will hear
what I am saying

Here goes…

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Here goes...

January, it’s that time of the year and the month for resolutions. As the hustle and bustle of the New Year recedes, it’s time for introspection. I will celebrate January with a poem.

Today
the resolutions
(and so little time
for so many intentions)

i will be gentler
i shall snarl less
smile more
agree, to disagree
stop the barrage
start negotiating
halt the cynicism
commence the healing

i will slow down
plant little trees
take long absences
from work
have more fun
live my life large
in a state of calm
consciously
and deliberately

i will enjoy
and savour
the beauty
and joy
life has to offer
the wonders
of a blue sky
the promise
of an unopened bud
the love behind
every kind gesture
the evidence of love
presented
everyday
instead of worrying
what’s to come

i will practice
extreme self-love
look at myself
in the mirror
every day
see beauty
rather than flaws
speak words of love
and kindness
to myself
allow in
the experience
of joy
and gratitude
in every moment
even in times
of conflict

i will burn
the candles
use the nice sheets
wear fancy lingerie and
not save it
for a special occasion
today is special

I will let go of fears, doubts
old wounds, people, things that
bind me to the past
blind me to the present
and weigh my future down
and truly embrace
the wisdom of:
“Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”
“All that truly matters in the end is that you’ve loved.”
“Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.”

I shall… I will….
January’s
that month
and the resolutions
come flooding in
for tomorrow
tomorrow
the betrayals begin …